Thoughts from a Musician's Heart

TRUTH OVERWELMS THE LIE by Jennifer Stucki

In a couple weeks I will be taking another orchestral audition. I haven't taken one in a few years, partially because I had kids but also because the pain of rejection was becoming overwhelming. A principal position with an orchestra -- any orchestra really, is a position I have always wanted.  As the Eric Liddell in Chariots of Fire stated "God made me fast and when I run, I feel his pleasure." So it is with me when I perform. However, when I first learned of the audition the first thing I felt was dread, not  excitement. Or perhaps I did feel excited but dread immediately followed. Dread because I will have to face myself again. The voices of doubt and past perceived failures are overwhelming. I eventually decided to take the audition but knew my greatest obstacle was not trying to find time to practice with toddlers in the house or getting back into peak performance shape. Rather, my greatest obstacle is facing my demons and re-training my brain.

I haven't been a life coach for long, but I knew what was needed; re-writing damaging thoughts with mantras of truth. Unfortunately, any mantra or verse I chose was failing. The voices of self-doubt and other mental blocks were just too loud. I was struggling to find the motivation to do what need to be done. It was only after a coaching session for myself when I began to realize I don't need to disregard the pain and baggage from the past. I just needed another lens to look through. While the process of taking an audition is often grueling for most -- it requires a lot of time and effort  -- the process can also be beautiful. Beautiful because I grow significantly as an artist and in my character. Beautiful because I have an opportunity to play some of the most gorgeous solos ever written and have the opportunity to impact someone else through music -- even if they are critiquing me. I have an opportunity to feel God's joy when I play, and that is probably the most beautiful thing one can experience. I do not have to leave the pain behind. It is beautiful because of the pain and I take it with me whether I want to or not.

True beauty is not really absent of pain or discomfort. If Christ encapsulates the very definition of beauty then we can't ignore the ugliness and deep pain of his work at the cross. When we come to God with brokenness, deep questions, doubts and intense pain, true beauty does not invalidate the pain by whitewashing it. It speaks to it and gives it a voice and allows it to exist. Only then can we truly know God and his power.

This matters because we are told to love God with all of our hearts, mind and strength and while preaching can guide the heart, music and other art forms are a much more powerful way to touch the heart and inspire awe. Sadly much of “Christian” music as well as other art forms experienced in our churches do not place a priority on quality art. I recently attended a wonderful online lecture with Matt Heard through faitharts.org and he quoted Hans Urs von Balthasar, author of “The Glory of the Lord.” Balthasar stated "Our situation today shows that beauty demands for itself at least as much courage and decision as do truth and goodness, and she [beauty] will not allow herself to be separated and banned from her two sisters without taking them along with herself in an act of mysterious vengeance." When we set aside a pursuit of beauty, what will follow?

Jacob wrestled with God and suffered a permanent limp that God gave him. Paul was never able to rid himself of the “thorn in his flesh.” Even after the Resurrection Christ's wounds were still visible. Some of the greatest works of art go hand in hand with pain. Beethoven suffered from hearing loss and depression. Van Gogh's art was never "successful" in his lifetime and he painted Starry Night while in an asylum

Christ did not sanitize pain, he did not simply toss evil aside as though it didn’t exist. He felt it deeply and he overcame it. So does good art. We dare not pretend that pain is not painful, or that suffering is not so near to the heart of God. We might rather believe the pretty lie rather than be confronted with the truth, but truth overwhelms the lie, goodness overcomes evil, beauty transforms ugliness. They will not be separated.

Creating and experiencing good art is not always easy. Art is often uncomfortable and challenging. As people who live on the other side of the Resurrection, we often skip over the crucifixion. When we consider the cross we often focus on what we have gained from it and the horror of it the thing itself often gets set aside. But it’s through wrestling with pain and evil that beauty can be seen for what it is. 

Jennifer is an oboist in Colorado Springs. See "The Church Van", her substack for Christian artists.